The Real Men’s Guide to Buying Lingerie
Guess what guys, times have changed! You do not need a special occasion to buy your partner lingerie… Lets face it, it’s at least in part for your benefit too(which we know FYI, so playing the selfless hero card wont fly).
Be it an anniversary, birthday or just because you like making her feel as sexy and confident as you recognise her to be (best reason, btw!). Navigating the lingerie department can be a tricky task (especially when all the tags have images of the most STUNNING models showing off each piece to perfection).
A friend of mine suggested that I blog on this detrimental oversight, after he recently decided to go it alone after looking up lingerie reviews online and finding nothing…
Okay so I’m not overly keen on the “review” part, as this is how I see that tactless endeavor going: “bought crutch less French lace number by ______. Had wild night with boyfriend. Panties still fully intact. Works. Tick. Disclaimer: if your boyfriend is larger than mine, stretching of fabric and loss of elasticity due to excessive friction may occur. Not exactly my forte… or something I am keen to have my friends little sister, or my mother look up… Hi MUM!
Girls have been reading Shades of Grey et al. & now you all have to pick up your game huh? Not ready to jump right into the deep end… but looking to earn a few extra bedroom points?
How about a Do’s and Don’ts guide… I can probably wing that! So here goes.
* First and foremost: always remember that you are making this purchase for a living, breathing real woman. One with taste (hopefully), and all the sensitivities that come with having estrogen running through her system.
Chances are she is NOTHING like the girls in any porn you have ever watched/ watch regularly, and she probably has no desire to wear what you are about to buy her while swinging around a pole. So think about her personal tastes when you purchase. If she’s a little conservative… don’t go buying some nipple tassels and a starfish looking thong!
If she looks smokin’ hot in red… buy the girl something in the vampish hue! If she wears a single row of her grandmothers pearls at her throat… maybe something with champagne silk and black lace would be more suitable.
* Style is Important, and Simple can be Sexy.
Don’t go the complicated tangle of elasticised straps and ties (unless one, or both of you are into asphyxiation… it could happen!).
One pieces are not sexy, they do not flatter most body types and can be invariably uncomfortable in the crutch (how seductive do you think you would feel in Borat’s fluro green monokini?) – If you would like her to feel comfortable & confident getting her kit off at any point again in the future… avoid!
Sparkles are for 10 year olds and Vegas.
Bedazzling also for 10 year olds, the cast of TOWIE and jean pockets of tacky American tourists.
Leather shall be reserved for your dominatrix (if that’s also your wife/ gf/ partner… go for it! & get the boots to match… women LOVE to walk over their men J).
Latex should not exist beyond hospital gloves… does a prostate check turn you on?
Silk, chiffon and lace (feel the fabric! Should be soft and smooth. No qualities that could resemble cardboard or sandpaper against these sensitive areas (that you so clearly prefer without all this fabric) please!) are the only fail safes… luxurious and alluring… so we are already halfway there.
Tip: a pop of colour can make a girl feel playful (bonus!). Think a neon lilac/ pink ribbon trim. Or something deeper for some sultry sex appeal. Leopard print is either a love or loathe situation… so if you’ve seen her wear it, GO for it, otherwise steer clear
* Form & Fit is KEY!
This can be a tricky one… for us women too… not just you! Each brands fit is slightly different. So if she has a stash of Victoias Secret, La Perla or Agent Provocateur already, then your in luck (and also in for some serious loss of coin, although the best, they are rather pricey). Buying her tried and tested favourite brand in the right size makes it much easier, and gives you more artistic license (good or bad as that may be).
Negligee that is too tight and makes her love handles overhang slightly is not going to make her feel provocative at all! Super loose, and it may make it much easier for you to drag off, but she will also think that you over estimated her weight (horror!!)
It is always best to check her size first (guessing is a waste of your time and money), and this is where it is acceptable for you to be sneaky, and check her drawers. Don’t bother asking; girls have a tendency to lie about this… Not in a malicious way… it’s more to appease ourselves than you.
Most lingerie is STRETCH, if you’re still unsure, don’t stress… THIS will be your savior!
Lace is a majority & personal favourite… especially when you are buying negligee for the bedroom, as it doesn’t have to have the visually inhibiting backing fabric. Scalloped edging means that it doesn’t require the harsh overturned, double stitch edging; so it fits with a much smoother and subtle finish even when at a slight stretch.
Lace French panties are HOT and suit most styles and body types, so they would be my #1 go to. They also come in a hot short kinda style, a cheeky version & a Brazilian g-string.
Usually you can find a matching bra (only if you know her specific sizing. Corsets are much the same. Don’t be fooled by the lace up back… they are very size specific), if not I would go with a slim camisole (matching!), which usually will come in standard sizes rather than the plethora that cup specification induces. The lack of underwire is fine & if she is a little self conscious of gravities effect… make sure it has adjustable straps so she can give them the rise of their life!
* Accessories… this is where it’s (almost) safe for your creative freedom to run wild!
You may have noticed that women are accessories addicts; such hints include excessive jewelry, more make-up and bathroom products than one person could ever use in a lifetime, handbags for each day of the week and contents that seem very Mary Poppins-esque.
This is where your classier choices in the negligee can take aid a whole new level of sexy.
Go for a garter belt and some seductive over the knee stockings. By this point you should have noticed that all good lingerie stores also have a little section of bedroom accessories to spice things up.
Let her buy the role play dress ups… not all girls think them cleaning should turn you on, and an air hostess outfit when you do 8/6 FIFO could just make her wonder how keen you are on your weekly attendant.
Silk ties (more tender than hand cuffs & possibly more effective), are only a go if she seriously trusts you & vice versa. Gloves (again: silk, no latex) and a riding crop for the girl that likes to be on top (of the world!).
Go for the more selfless stuff (aka for you to torment her with) like a feather tickler and something eatable… Heard of the saying “You get what you give”? It’s no lie! In psychology we call it the reciprocation rule. ;) A seemingly selfless act shall be returned in kind. So BE “SELFLESS” and enjoy.
Now it’s time to go shopping… which if your like most guys, THAT will be the most daunting part. Just avoid doing the fumbly “hmmmm… she’s about your size, but fuller breasts” (while grabbing hold of your own chest), with the sales woman.
If you actually read all that ^^… your set! Now go get this show on the road!
You could also go the online shopping route if you so dare… although its much more difficult, as you cannot gauge quality cut or fit, the pictures will have you easily side tracked, and there will be none of the instant gratification that we are all so used to.
However www.victoriassecret.com always displays the matching top or bottom half of whatever you are looking at & generally their quality is good.. so go for it! Tip: shop by ALL COLLECTIONS, as explaining the difference between a Demi & Multi-Way could leave you hating the initial idea. & remember that sizing is different in the US… size chart will stop confusion (their sizes are marked smaller – bonus, she can feel smaller than she usually is? = confidence.)
You’re Welcome! You can thank me later… or don’t… I probably don’t want to know
50 Shades of Jay
- J Jones.
Images courtesy of Steven Meisel for Vogue Italia 2011 and Victorais Secret.
